My Lists

A Bit Of Grace

During dinner with friends last week I mentioned I was looking for a place to live. Dale gave me a number to another guy and after a couple of text messages I have an apartment. In the same location I lived when I first arrived in the city, at a lower rate than ever charged for the apartment, and with less money out of pocket than the owner has ever been known to charge for the unit. Even in the simplest and most seemingly trivial occurrences, His grace is there, a gentle aid. A slight, subtle sign showing He is here, for every phase of my journey. Offering grace, a bestowal of blessings, in every aspect of my life. Today, Monday, June 24, 2019, I am grateful that: I can see(sometimes) His grace. I’m certain I miss more than I see but I’m grateful for the blessings I can recognize. I’ll be in my own place for living and creativity within a week. It’ll be great to finally be at a place where I can create uninhibited and undisturbed. I’ve been able to live with friends for the last few months until able to actually fend for and able to take care of myself in a more stable fashion. He puts the right people in the right place at the right time to say just the right thing. See His Grace.

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A Bit of Momentum

Yesterday a couple of friends moved my storage unit. Not really a big deal for most but when you’re out of the country and can’t sign the paperwork to rent another unit coupled with not being able to physically move the items and the cost of the unit continuing to rise, it was kinda a big deal to get it accomplished. That one item has been on my list for several months but no longer. I’ve also begun to see a plot. I’ve made contact with someone who’s been able to reach out to their network for possible employees. Additionally, I’ve been able to sort of develop a bit of a road map for the next phase of my journey. Today, Wednesday, August 28, 2019, I am grateful that: Mike and the guys were able to transfer my storage unit. One less item to be concerned with. Steve rented a smaller unit. I wasn’t able to sign paperwork and he took of that part of the equation. My circle of friends is supportive. Whether I’m in plain sight or across the globe, they’ve been indispensable. I got my first facial. I’ve not done a great job at pampering myself. The experience was a bit uncomfortable(I didn’t know what to expect and my technician didn’t speak much). In retrospect, it was an enjoyable experience and I’ll definitely do more of the same. Uncertain of my feelings about the process yet I’m certain it was revitalizing with regards to my “inner health” as well as my physical. Pamper Yourself. Thank Your Friends.

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A Brief Respite

For about a week now I’ve been obsessed with the doctor. It’s beginning to be a constant thought. Yesterday I started and completed a chapter titled “A New Prescriber.” I thought I’d come to a decision, some sort of conclusion, yet here I sit. Still writing, still obsessing. I sent a response which I thought was honest and insightful. Her response was along the lines of she didn’t want someone who did it because she wanted him to but rather he actually enjoyed being the dominant partner. This encounter has stretched my comfort zone, maybe immeasurably. She also added a question of whether I’d ever had a threesome. It’s funny cause I have but I don’t know if I should let her know. I think my background and thoughts may be the challenge. I am so uncertain as to my next course of action I’m actually visiting with a friend, more experience with Filipina women, to seek his counsel. It’s interesting that at 47 I am still learning about relationships with women. By any definition of the word, it’s a relationship. Yet, I’m here struggling. Still wanting to be a people pleaser. Still insecure with feelings of inadequacy. I’m becoming tired and frustrated. At some point, probably subconsciously, I thought the lessons would have ended. Yet here I am, still learning. Still seeking counsel from those more experienced. Still feeling less than and not good enough. I HATE feeling this way. These feelings are merely feelings but the constant barrage is becoming annoying. A nuisance, a distraction from writing, from teaching, and living serenely and joyfully. Since her message yesterday, I have responded. I’ve sent no reply. I have just thought of what to say and how to say what needs to be said. It’s the reason why I’m having dinner and seeking the counsel of someone other than myself. Upon his suggestion, I actually met her for the first time. I have thoroughly enjoyed the sex. It’s been great. It’s been relieving and reassuring to be with someone who is actually physically attracted to me. Our first meeting we were both uncomfortable, whereas our second meeting was more and better. I’m not going to be specific but it was great being with someone who’d been anticipating sex. Better still, someone anticipating sex with me that’s been with me before. What’s becoming evident is my prior relationships towards women, the strippers, the hookers, the escorts, and masturbation has distorted my feelings and emotions towards women. My actions have been led me to this place in time. I have to remedy my emotions and perversions, immediately and completely. I will not allow prior actions to continue to distort my future. She’s an incredible woman. Brilliant, focused, educated, and sexy as hell. And the bonus is she’s attracted to someone like me. Albeit physical only at the moment, there’s an attraction. I don’t need anything further to develop, this is plenty, but I won’t run from what it currently is or the development of something more intimate. Alas, I have begun to romanticize the idea of something more than what it it. She said it would happen and I’ve actively not been honest about the fantasy of something more. So I have to follow specific direction from someone more experienced. I have an idea of how the conversation will unfold. My thoughts are he will instruct me to stop overcomplicating the issue. To continue to have sex with her just the way she wants and do whatever I like within the confines of the bedroom. My preverse behavior towards women led to my objectification of women. This situation is totally different from my past experiences. She’s specific told me what she desires and trusts me to fulfill her desires. My distorted thinking and prior actions are limiting my current behavior. I can see the problem, yet I’m uncertain on the action needed to manifest an appropriate solution. I will find the answer tonight at dinner. If the answer is walk away. I will. If it’s as I stated above, I will. My primary objective is to eliminate my racing emotions and move forward. The direction is irrelevant. I feel as if I’ve been stagnant for about a week, actually five days, but stagnant nonetheless. I need to move forward. Swirling emotions and indecision are not great allies. I have to make an informed decision and abide by that decision.

Abundance Abounds

Use of two words with similar meanings could be considered a grammatical error, but it’s intentional. There are and will continue to be so many opportunities from this pandemic. It will manifest a paradigm shift amongst citizens, permeating our global culture. In the U.S. A., I’m thinking it’ll be more impactful. At home(America) it’ll provide the sudden impact of social disruption. Too many have been negatively impacted and among those unwilling to return to their routine, those individuals will rise above the rest. They’ll setup businesses that’ll grow, sustain, and hopefully, change some aspect of life in their community and perhaps globally. Isn’t that always the case with “those” people. Don’t always do something impact, something different, something that’s perceived as “not right” or “crazy.” With most, if not all, great industry innovators, they rise above the fray. They don’t settle for conventional and birth another way of doing things better than before. What’ll be exceptional in the coming decade is the sheer number of innovators birth from Covid 19. Today, Friday, April 10. 2020, I am grateful that: Optimism has returned. It’s not all doom and gloom but rather sunshine and rainbows. It’s a feeling that better days are ahead and endless possibilities exist. This sudden injection of optimism has brought about a few more plot and design ideas. Not just book covers but the stories within. This’ll be an incredibly long and productive weekend. Innovations come from unlikely intuitions. After months of searching for an illustrator for my book cover, the thought occurred the art is within. The cover can be art as well. From font to spacing, colors and layout, it’ll be another epoch in publishing. How many opportunities can you spot for yourself from this pandemic? Two, Five, more? Which one will you exploit? Who will join your team and fulfill your vision?

Be Great. Be Grateful!!!

Abundance Paradigm

Yesterday I received a message from Mike(we met in Manila). He invited me to join a 21-day meditation group on Abundance. I said yes. It’ll be interesting to see how the next 3 weeks unfold. I’ve so much starting in the next couple of weeks. My initial thought was to say no but I chose to take on another endeavor, perhaps it’ll enhance me in some unexpected form. Today, Saturday, September 21, 2019, I am grateful that: I listen. Even the most subtle of things can bring incalculable returns. Perhaps the Abundance exercise will. It may be someone I meet while doing the exercise or an insight gained. It could be the merging of multiple technologies for the formation of my publishing company. I’m receptive to seeking counsel. To ask those with the same or similar prior experience and learn from them. “Experience is the best teacher” and it doesn’t have to be my experience. Initial team members are beginning to reveal themselves. The longer I’m here the more I’m able to determine who will be of value moving forward. “People overestimate what they can do in a year or two and underestimate what they can do in a decade or two.” Something I heard Tony Robbins say in his Netflix film. I believe that to be an incredibly profound statement. I’ve made the same miscalculation. Coupled with my desire for something new and lack of purpose, it’s no wonder why I haven’t progressed further. Seek Abundance.

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Acceptance

About a year ago I met a guy I thought would be a great business partner. At the time I hadn’t narrowed my focus to the point of approaching him with an opportunity. I have since and actually approached him last week. “Let me think about it” wasn’t the answer I was looking for but it was what I received. After a bit more than a week, I’ve grown impatient. In the local dialect, my girlfriend calls me “suplado.” It means I have little to no patience. I have no rebuttal, it’s true. I’ve grown impatient. I’m fully aware of what I need to get done and whenever I have to wait for things to fall into place it becomes extremely irritating, frustrating, and annoying. I’ll have to work on that a bit. Today, Thursday, March 12, 2020, I am grateful that: My “Pops” was an excellent provider. While writing this I’ve been texting with my brother. He sent a pic of my nephew and thoughts of childhood flash into my mind. On the 14th Pops would have been 88 so I’ve thought of him often this week, more than most days. With Roni visiting, I often think of how much better a provider Pops was than I. I know the difference between accepting something and liking it. I can accept that I need to be patient and that I have to wait on others before I’m able to move forward but I don’t like it. In fact, I’ll ask for directions on what I can do in lieu of waiting. What possible actions are within my sphere that I can take? Some days there’s only two things. Be Great. Be Grateful! !!

Accepting Assistance

For most of my adult life, I’ve done my best to be there and available to assist others when needed. When someone needed to move to another apartment or house or advice about investments, or lending a compassionate ear, I’ve seen myself as someone who would always be there for his friends. One of the lessons I’ve learned over the last several years - it’s less challenging more me to give assistance than accept assistance. When I have to ask for help it shows others I’m vulnerable. I show them that everything isn’t perfect. I show them that for whatever reason, I’m not able to handle a particular situation. I don’t enjoy that feeling. I don’t like it and I’ve done an extraordinary job at avoiding the situation and feeling. What just occurred while writing the last paragraph is my unwillingness to accept assistance deprives others of the enjoyment similar to what I receive when I offer assistance. So moving forward I’ll do what I can do to continue to be available to others but also also myself to be transparent and honest and willing to show others when I am in need of assistance and be willing to accept their assistance. Today, Saturday, June 1, 2019, I am grateful that: I’ve been able to render assistance. It’s an incredible feeling to help those when needed. I’m willing to accept assistance. I don’t enjoy the feeling but the consolation is I am comforted knowing, hopefully, those who offer me assistance may get similar or greater feelings of enrichment that I receive when I help others. I have a circle of friends who offer assistance, sometimes with me asking or when I don’t. The great thing about lasting and meaningful relationships is the depth and impact of those conversations leading to an mutual understanding of each other’s life and current situations. My ever expanding circle knows how to read my current situation and offer assistance when I need it most. Render Assistance. Accept Assistance.

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Accountability

During a conversation with a friend and business collegeau earlier today, he’d repeated stated his disappointment with current government leadership. I somewhat echoed his concerns and added my hope, which he agreed, was that citizens begin to take responsibility for their chosen representatives. I further stated that with our lack of accountability to our elected representatives, if something as life changing as this CoVid19 episode doesn’t “wake up” the American people and make them/us hold their chosen leaders more accountable, there’s very little hope for any true and lasting reform. We had about an hour long, very productive conversation. From business tactics for strategy implementation, to politics, the state of the nation, health and wellness, it was an uplifting conversation, as most of ours usually are. Today, Wednesday, March 25, 2020, I am grateful that: We all have a bit more time. All meaning those not directly involved with combating the virus containment. There are too few hours in the day with respect to time available to share/invest with those whose company I enjoy. During this time of isolation, I’m able to visit, modify, and most importantly visualize my plans. My purpose is set but plans for its fulfillment aren’t. It’s a time to be more productive, reflective, and strategic. I’m not an elected official. I’m responsible for myself and no others. I don’t bear the burden of leadership, at the moment. When the time arises, it’s fast approaching, I’ll lead a team constructed to manifest my destiny. But at this moment, I’m only responsible and accountable to me. Whom do you invest your time with? How do you serve those you lead? Do you remember your their to serve them and their needs, thereby encouraging them to help you reach your own needs and desires? Be Great. Be Grateful!!!

Accurate Appraisal

Not really wanting to write today. It’s been a slow day and much of my “intended” things to get accomplished, I didn’t. Just one of those days when I wasn’t really motivated to get things done. No inspiration, no creativity, and a general lack of desire. I began work on my newest release, “The Corona Chronicles - How to Combat Covid-19 with Gratitude” but I didn’t finish. I started a cover redesign, but didn’t finish. I completed another phone interview for a bio for another client, but haven’t written the bio. Finally, it’s about 2 a.m. and I’m just now writing my gratitude list. It’s no wonder my reasons for writing this first thing in the morning. It’s revealing to admit that this quarantine has begun to take its toll. I’m losing motivation. I’ll awaken refreshed and recommitted. It’s my nature of late, as I’m a believer in reinvention. I’m not bound by my past but rather propelled into a future I create. It would be great to have upbeat, productive, and fulfilling days continually and at some point that may be the case, but today it wasn’t. Today, Monday, April 20, 2020, I am grateful that: I did begin work on my next title. It’s not done but it’s begun. I’ll get it finished and published this week. I began another design cover. I’d communicated with Aaron about compensation for his designs but we haven’t been able to come to terms. We may or may not but I’ve taken steps needed to move forward. Herb and I finally connected. We shared a few ideas. It’s invaluable having someone a bit further down the road willing to share their journey. Linda and I had a chance to meet virtually. She’s an exceptional woman and I’m better for having spoken with her. It’s refreshing when someone makes an impact as did she. Even with the knowledge that this will eventually become published for the public consumption, I’m willing to be transparent and honest. I’m nowhere near perfect and I’m willing to share “warts and all” with others, especially if it’ll help them in their journey. Did you read my negativity? Was it helpful? Can you see the benefits of at least starting, even when you don’t finish? Do you move forward when things don’t go as planned? Who was the most positively impactful person you’ve met? Will someone else list your name for the above question? If not, how can you increase the likelihood it will happen in the future? Be Great. Be Grateful! !!

Act As If

As it stands today, I’ve got few financial resources. I’ve got a proven concept, no ads, no clients, no revenue, and no way I’m yielding. I’ve got a plan. I’ll continue to move forward with its execution. It may be more challenging with no money but I’ll get it to work. I must. I have no other choice. I’ve travelled the path of employee before, it’s no longer desirable as it stands in the way of my purpose. I’m not able to get done what He put me here for as an employee for others, only Him. Today, Monday, March 9, 2020, I am grateful that: I know why I’m here. Why I exist, my purpose. Why He gave me the gifts I possess and what and how I’m supposed to master and use those precious items to fulfill His purpose for me. I continue to write. It’s a small comfort during these “lean” financial times and I’m getting discouraged with delayed gratification but I must not relent. I know what I’m doing will deeply impact others and therefore, no matter the cost, I must continue. I am a champion. I am a survivor. I must not relent for I am His favorite. He has and always will want the absolute best life has to offer for His kids. During a conversation with Frank a couple of days ago he mentioned something seemingly insignificant at the time, but most profound about the generation and accumulation of wealth. It’s great to have the counsel of others so readily available and with those willing to share wise counsel, I often visit. I do my best to ask informed questions and I’m happy when they share. Will you yield? Will you keep going, no matter what? Are you doing His work? Do you know/remember you are His favorite? Be Great. Be Grateful! !!

Acting Responsibly

Meeting people, fellowshipping, and the like are all great but I still have work to perform. Yesterday while out and about I had to interrupt my evening with a call back stateside. I did. I made the call for more than one reason. First, I needed the information. Crystal is an abundant resource in the area I’m diving into. Secondly, there’s only so much meeting and hanging out I can do without getting bored. Not drinking and seldomly dancing, there’s only so much time I can spend in nightclubs talking to women. Lastly, the possibility to secure an income stream remotely is my main objective today. Today, Sunday, December 22, 2019, I am grateful that: I made the call to Crystal. I accrued some charges for calling internationally but in my estimates, well worth the cost. Crystal was available and we had a productive conversation. She asked intelligent and insightful questions that helped her better understand my objective and scheduled a time for us to do a screen share enabling me to see how to accomplish my tasks. I set a clear cut boundary with “Angel.” For the last couple of weeks I’ve been tip-toeing around her and having a challenging conversation. Last night I said exactly what needed to be said. My problem with her specifically is lying. “White lies” are still lying and for me I have lowered my expectations to the point where I only expect people to do what they say. When that doesn’t happen it’s disappointing and frustrating. For weeks she’s repeated the same pattern and I informed “Angel” I’m no longer willing to abide by her rules. So I severed the relationship and I’m moving on to something and someone different. How will you act responsibly? What boundaries will you draw? Be Great. Be Grateful.

Action

Today I read, “Inspirations never go in for long engagements; they demand immediate marriage to action.” Written by Brendan Francis, I felt it a very appropriate reading for this morning and more importantly, for writing this morning. Since my “pitch” to a potential investor, I’ve made some progress but not as much as I’d like. I’ve accomplished small feats and chosen to celebrate them in minor ways but nothing along the lines of triumphant. Nothing along the lines of a New Year’s Eve celebration. I haven’t been “inspired.” I haven’t felt Him within. I know I’m moving in the right direction but “feelings aren’t facts” and I don’t feel Him at the moment. It’s frustrating. Today, Friday, March 13, 2020, I am grateful that: I’m taking action; albeit small or minor, I’m moving forward. Today, and for the last few weeks, it seems as if at a snail’s pace, but it’s movement nonetheless. I can always find something in a positive manner. In times past, my attitude and perspective were so atrocious that I could only find the negative. I am not happy with my present circumstances but I can find something to be proud of and something to keep me moving forward and my mission. There are times in my past when I’d simply tell myself I was right and believe all the negative thoughts and bask in the negative emotions. I’m willing to ask for assistance when needed. I’m not so prideful that I can’t admit I’m in a position where I can no longer accomplish things alone. What do you do when you are no longer inspired? How do you take action on inspiration? Do you ask for assistance when needed?

Be Great. Be Grateful!!!

Adaptability

After some investigating, I’ve discovered one of the solutions for my publishing company concept requires more expertise than I currently possess. My hopes were to have the company formed and operational by the year’s end. However, I’m uncertain if that’s a realistic undertaking at this point. I will gather additional information. I will postpone formation of the corporate entity and continue with traditional publication methods for my upcoming novel. I will remain flexible and adaptable and seek a solution to the current industry challenges. Today, Tuesday, September 24, 2019, I am grateful that: Mi Hermano and I had a conversation earlier today. Daniel is a great guy. A go-getter with high integrity. He’s also “dollar-conscience. ” Meaning he won’t spend money foolishly. That trait is something I truly admire. I ordered the package regarding possible naming solutions. More so than the name, I’m interested in the cycle chart. A numerical means for sowing and reaping and resting. The remainder of 2019 and all of 2020 is included in the service. As of today it’s the reason for making a purchasing decision. Loyalty is still an important character trait for myself. Daniel is having some challenges with his hosting company(the one I recommended). Although it’s not currently my primary endeavor, I feel compelled to assist with the situation. I won’t invest significant amounts of time in the endeavor; however, offering a viable remedy(for my hermano) is something I feel must be done. Adapt Accordingly.

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Adapting

After a conversation with the department of insurance yesterday, I’m uncertain if my initial plan is viable. In June 2018 the department enacted a rule with regards to continuing education credits with gravely affects me and my current plan. So I need to adapt. Today, Tuesday, July 16, 2019, I am grateful that: I found out I’m not going to be able to write insurance until I’m stateside. Having to return for testing or fingerprints is not an option for me so I’ll need to figure something else out. I have one out for insurance and I’ll exhaust that option. It’s good to have options but I’m thinking it may not be a viable option so we’ll see what happens. Having some options removed from the picture have not sent me into a downward spiral. I’ve had lurking notions about returning to insurance. I’ve been reluctant. I’ve been hesitant as that wasn’t the original plan. So if insurance truly isn’t an option I’ll need to eliminate all doubts and actually execute the original plan(the oneI had when I decided to go to Manila). Adapt. Be Flexible.

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“A Man’s Only As Good As His Word”

My father taught me many lessons and the quote above is only one. The book, The Four Agreement, states “be impeccable with your word.” Basically the same thing ‘Pops” told me for years. “If you say your gonna do it, then do it.” Last night I made a follow up call regarding some business I need completed stateside(I’m currently in the Philippines). When I found out the issue hadn’t been resolved until today, I was quite disappointed. Nearly two weeks ago I was told(given their word) the issue would be resolved that day. I follow up only to find out they didn’t do what they said. My challenge and lesson is having the expectation that people will live according to the same principles I apply in my life. Today, Thursday, June 13, 2019, I am grateful that: I can realize others don’t do what I need them to, except when it happens to perfectly coincide with what need to do. When I lower my expectations of others, the possibility of me developing a resentment lessens. My father instilled some values that have withstood the test of time. Opinions change, principles don’t. I think of him daily and today that’s one of the lessons I’m grateful he taught and I remembered. During a cycle or season I’m learning when to sow and when to reap. Inactivity isn’t a bad thing but rather a means of timing and selection. Being idle is different from preparation. I’m learning the difference between being busy and being productive. A question posed by a dear friend over a decade ago Naomi asked, “Sounds like you’re busy, but are you productive?” Be Impeccable With Your Word. Be Productive.

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“Write Something Everyday”

Those words spoken by my writing mentor Dr. Herb Marlow have proven to be truly challenging. For one reason or another daily writing has its challenges. I learned a couple of years ago that I don’t want to write everyday, so I adopted writing six days per week. Even with the less stringent task I’ve been unable to write something on my schedule for more than a couple of months. “Progress not perfection” comes to mind also. Had the bar not been set at doing something on a daily basis, I’d never have reached writing at a minimum of five or six days per week. I would have taken a very casual approach to writing versus treating it as something that’s vital and profitable. It’s an act of self-discipline manifested. Putting forth consistent, concerted effort towards a specific task/objective. Today, Tuesday, August 6, 2019, I am grateful that: I’m beginning to feel like myself again. Saturday I think I got food poisoning. I’ve been physically feeling terrible for the past couple of days. I’m grateful that’s begun to subside. I’ve established and am adhering to a budget. It’s a challenge and I do not enjoy that particular act of discipline, but it’s something worthwhile. I don’t have to force things. Sometimes I force things to happen, like this list. Sometimes it’s not easy to list three things I’m grateful for. Sometimes it’s a challenge to list one or two but the benefits of doing it on a consistent basis is I’ve learned a bit about myself. I’ve learned I can walk away from the list for a bit and revisit, later in the day in fact. Most days my list only has three items, that’s the goal - like “write something everyday.” It’s an ideal. Sometimes I fall short, sometimes I surpass the ideal but the key is to strive for the ideal. Should I force it I put an unnecessary need for perfection upon myself and the point of the list is to set my mind on a path of gratitude and service before facing the world.

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